Words of Wisdom

A friend emailed these quotes to me this morning. Some are very funny, some just so-so, but I thought I'd share. I hope everyone has a terrific weekend!

WORDS OF WISDOM
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.-- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.-- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.-- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.-- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.-- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.-- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. -- Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.-- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.-- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.-- W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation, as you grow older, it will avoid you.-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.-- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.-- Billy Crystal